Book Review: Do You Have Kids?

Do You Have Kids?: Life When the Answer Is No by Kate Kaufmann

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I've been trying to write a comprehensive review for this book for months. And I just can't seem to really get my feelings and emotions on the page. On one hand I'm sooo thankful to Kate Kaufmann for writing this book and doing as much research as she did. Interviewing women, getting statistics, compiling thoughts, etc. On the other side I'm disappointed that so many women have experienced what I have over the years; judgement and rudeness over their choice (or inability) to have children. So instead here is a review that is more high level.
PS: If you want my story/situation please read it below this review.

The first half of Do You Have Kids? is a wonderful read about all these women from different walks of life. I found many were saying things I've said or had sentiments I've thought. It was nice to connect with them.

The second half was a bit disappointing. It focused almost exclusively on end of life care and estate wealth. I understand that I am 100% responsible for my own end of life care; but to me that's not because I don't have children, but because everyone should be responsible for their own end of life care. I'm disappointed to learn that the norm is still to burden children with their elderly parents. I don't like this mentality as it puts too much pressure on the children and not enough on the adult who should have been anticipating their own needs as they age.
I did however determine that a large amount of my estate (if anything is left but books, lol) will be donated to my local library. I was struck by the thought during reading this last half of the book that most children today are benefiting from public and/or charitable donations made by those without children. Ironic in a way; but also proof that childless people still contribute a lot to society and the future of the human race.

I would recommend this to anyone that is childless by choice or not. I'd also recommend buying this for a struggling family member or friend that doesn't get why someone would select not to have children. It will (hopefully) help them understand that it's not about being selfish. It's about being realistic, pursuing personal happiness and not allowing being female to dictate how we must live our lives. Overall this is an excellent read; but it was emotionally draining for me on many levels.

Please note: I received an eARC of this book from the publisher via NetGalley. This is an honest and unbiased review.
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Why I don't have children:
1) Even as a teenager I didn’t want biological children. I was always a bit out off by the idea of a child growing inside me and figured if I had children they would be adopted.
2) at 23 years old I was told that I have a very low chance of carrying a baby to term and would need a “scraping” surgery (yep as awful as it sounds) to even try conceiving a child.

It is said that 1 in 5 women are infertile and I’ve always been okay with being that infertile woman so my friends can have babies. I actually love babies; but have a hard one with kids in the 6-12 range. I also never felt like I would be a Mom. It just didn’t seem right for me.

A therapist I saw one time told me that it is possible that I inherently knew I couldn’t have children and so never imagined a life with kids. I just wasn’t that child that had visions of my wedding or motherhood.

The hardest part was the years I spent knowing for sure kids were off the table when I dated heavily. It was before online dating was really a thing (yeah I’m old, lol) and so I always had to broach the topic with prospective partners at some point because it’s a deal breaker for so many.
And then I re-met (we had dated before) my (now) husband after a five year break and told him on the second day back hanging out that I couldn’t have children. He was the first partner to tell me that thrilled him; as he also has no interest in having biological children. 😊

The moral of the story: Having kids is the largest deal breaker of them all. Make sure your partner is on the same page. It's okay if they aren't; but then you have to know to walk away. You won't convince them otherwise and if you do they may begrudge you forever because you stole their chance to have a typical family unit. 

BUT... and this is a big one for me personally. I am 'Auntie' not by blood or marriage to many wonderful small children. I love my friends children and try to be important in their lives. My hope is that I will be the adult they come to in the future when they don't want a "parent" to lecture them but need help or advice. I am lucky to have so many lovely children in my life and I work hard to make time for them and ensure they know they are loved. It's not being a parent; but it doesn't mean I'm not an important person to some children in the world. And that is more than enough for me.